I don't really know how to start this post, or what I really want to say. But I really want to spill some of the things that are currently floating round my head. I want to tell you how I currently feel.
Right now, my head feels so full of stuff. I often try to explain it to people as, it feels like a huge dark cloud that is all muddled up, preventing me from thinking clearly...
I would say so far, this has technically been one of the best years of my life. Kinda.
I mean, I have had no bad news, I have got all my family still in great health (which is sort of revolutionary), yet I just feel a little bit lost. A tiny bit empty.
I feel as though I have changed so much over the last few years that I hardly recognise the person I am now. I have been through some heartbreaking stuff, but I have made the best memories and met some amazing people too. But the thing is, I don't give myself time to reflect. I am always looking so far forward that I never stop to see what is happening in the here and now.
I know I have changed. I am no longer the fun, laughter filled person I once was.
Instead I feel like I have slipped into this person that carries the whole world on their shoulders. Everything I do seems to make me question myself and makes me feel guilty. Should I be doing this? Is it helping my career? Should I be saving for a house? Should I be seeing the world? What if I did this? What if this happens?
I feel like there is no right answer to any of my questions or worries, but similarly there is no one to help me make these decisions. I feel very alone right now, and not alone because I am lonely, more alone because I don't tell people the inner thoughts of my mind. I just muddle through on my own.
Number one, I don't want to burden people who do have problems going on in their lives. Number two, I don't want people to think I am struggling. I am not struggling, I am just a little lost. And number three, I can never voice my thoughts in a manner to explain to people anyway.
The people I do try and tell, I feel like they think I don't really help myself. I can't explain to them why I feel so low, so I don't think that they understand, and therefore I don't get the response I am after. I have always been a really strong and positive person, but all of a sudden I am seeing the glass half empty and I haven't ever felt like that before. It is confusing me.
Sometimes it all gets a bit much.
I am going to try and explain a scenario..
My work life. I am so worried that I am not progressing in my career that I can't get it out of my head. I know I want more money, I know I want a job in a certain sector but I struggle to find the right position. People constantly remind me that I am still young, the right job will come up, I am still studying, I have a great job (which I do), etc. But my head is constantly filled with concern that I am wasting time and not progressing.
Now imagine that 50 times over, about every aspect of your life. So money, lifestyle choices, home, food, socialising, friendships.
It is tiring and to be honest, it makes me miserable.
But I can't help it. It sometimes seems like I am in a fishbowl, watching the world go by but not really feeling like you are a part of it, or enjoying it, or even fully experiencing it.
In the back of my head I know I have so much going for me and so much to look forward to. I have my whole life ahead of me, but I cant shake off these niggly dark feelings and thoughts.
I don't really know why I have decided to write this, someone once told me they liked my personal posts. But mostly, I think it can be therapeutic to 'get it out' sometimes.
So yeah, I am going to get a large coffee now and try my best to chill out.
Keep your fingers crossed.